Fall Cleaning: Some Games to Avoid
Some Fall Housecleaning
“Now we’re into the dregs,” as Principal Skinner might say. Bonjour. It’s my goal to play some spooky games this Halloween season, but I attempted something different for this writeup and reviewed some deleted games from my PS4 to close out September. I honestly can’t tell you when I purchased any of them, but they were taking up hard drive space. These games run the gamut from painfully mediocre to almost unplayable, so maybe I played these so that you don’t have to? Yeah. Let’s go with that.
A Winter’s Daydream
A standard slice of life visual novel featuring family dynamics and sibling rivalry. However, this one has a weird twist because the protagonist’s grandma reverts to her youthful form. I guess if you want to date your hot grandma, this is your game. In any event, the visual novel is cheap and has decent writing. However, from an academic standpoint, this is a visual novel that functions via Orientalist tendencies as Sara and I explained in The History and Allure of Interactive Visual Novels. In sum, it has anime aesthetics, the characters have Japanese names, and the game takes place in Japan, even though the developer hails from the United Kingdom. Check out Chapter 7 in the book for more information on this type of visual novel.
Call of Cthulhu
As a Lovecraft game, this had so much potential. While it boasts a haunting atmosphere and some interesting characters (voice acting is hit or miss), it’s an incredibly uneven experience marred by clumsy action-adventure elements. For example, halfway through the game, you have to escape a psychiatric ward using only janky stealth mechanics. Then you have to escape an “otherworld” hospital that resembles Silent Hill. On another occasion, you can equip a gun that has limited bullets. Suffice it to say, the game glitches often. However, perhaps Call of Cthulhu’s worst design feature is its RPG stat system as all skills in the game feel pointless. This could be a fun game to play in October, but you’re not going to get much replay value from it. There are multiple endings, but I wasn’t interested enough to play a second time.
Dark Rose Valkyrie
Most science fiction turn-based Japanese RPGs are a dime a dozen. This one might be worth a look for fans of Kosuke Fujishima, the creator of manga series like Oh My Goddess!, as he’s the character designer. The game has dating sim and management elements as the protagonist can interact with characters in a military base. Other than that, the game’s battle system centers on girls who wield impossibly large weapons. Supposedly, there’s an interesting “traitor” system that occurs later in the game in which the game randomly selects a traitor from the group that the gamer has to unveil during a series of interviews. While intriguing, I was ready to shelf the game after a few hours. Honestly, this is the type of JRPG I probably would have loved when I was younger, but this didn’t give me a reason to keep playing for a long stretch of time.
Date A LIVE: Rio Reincarnation
Another Japanese game with science fiction themes. Basically, there are powerful and ethereal creatures called “Spirits” who look like moe anime girls. Despite their kawaii appearances, they are capable of tremendous destruction. The only way to prevent them from going berserk is to…go on dates with them? Sure. If you love the anime and aesthetics, give this series a shot, but there are much stronger visual novels out there.
JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Eyes of Heaven
I binged the first couple of seasons of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure during quarantine. Some of it was enjoyable, but I stopped after Stardust Crusaders. (As an aside, there is way too much dog violence in the anime.) I tried to give this 3D brawler a whirl, but quickly realized I simply didn’t like the anime enough to keep going.
Mr. Massagy
A western parody visual novel/dating sim with Orientalist tendencies. You use a faux Tinder app called Linger to go on dates with weird (anime-inspired) characters, including a cow, a werewolf, a body pillow, and a jar of mayonnaise. You may encounter a funny zinger or two along the way, but this ain’t worth your time.
Pantsu Hunter
I sort of had to play this one for my dating sim research, and it might be the most idiotic game here. What initially drew me to this game was its vintage 90’s anime aesthetics, so I have to give the Russian team credit for capturing that nostalgic vibe. That said, this game is a mess due in large part to shoddy mechanics, game-breaking glitches, and terrible dialogue that is at times indecipherable. This is to say nothing about the game’s creepy premise in that a handyman gets to know the game’s four women by rummaging through their personal items to steal their panties. The game’s vibe tries to make this seem innocent, but it’s invasive no matter how you look at it. While you should avoid this one at all costs, the game somehow has a decent chillwave soundtrack that is worth listening to once on YouTube.
Punchline
This game is based on the anime of the same name. I wasn’t a fan of the animation style, and the story was ridiculous, so I didn’t stick around long enough to write anything substantive. Basically, the main character is a ghost. The “punchline” or whatever is that the world ends whenever he looks at panties. While most of the game has either anime cutscenes of visual novel-inspired dialogue to move the plot forward, the actual gameplay mechanics are interesting because the gamer has to scare female residents in a boarding house in order to learn new supernatural abilities. However, the game is far too perverted since panty shots (or avoiding them?) are essential to gameplay. I can’t imagine anyone other than otakus or weebs are going to find this one enjoyable.
Secret of Mana
I haven’t played this game in years, and I decided to pull the plug a few weeks ago. I love the original Secret of Mana, but I didn’t have high hopes for this remake due to the negative reviews. It honestly doesn’t do a damn thing to differentiate itself from the original other than voice acting and a remade soundtrack. If you’re truly itching to play Secret of Mana, might as well just play the original.
Conclusion
And there you have it. My rating system doesn’t match up exactly here since I like finding games that meld generic conventions, so just think of this as a standard rating system (i.e., one star is terrible). If you are going to play any of these, check out Call of Cthulhu for Halloween.